Today was a good day.Yvonne called me around 10:30 and invited me out for the day. Before I left I called the kids school to see if Dustan was going.I spoke to Mrs.Turner and she said he was there today.She told me he didnt go at all last week.She said he took the special needs bus today but was only there for 2 classes befor lunch, then was taken home. She was happy that he was at least comming for some of the day.I was too.(even tho i know Mathew could drive him himself!) She told me to call anytime if I had any concerns.I thanked her.
I spent the day at Yvonnes with her and Olivia.I loved it! We red books,colored,sang songs,danced and had a great day!
I recieved an E-mail from Val Rule letting me know she had an poening on May 4 at 10:30 if I could make it.I returned the message to let her know I will be there.(Im dissapointed its the same day as court because what we discuss on that day will not be herd by the judge on the day of court on the 4th)
I spoke to Mom this evening and she told me that her and nan didnt get out to see The boys.She tried to call Broady to get him to let the boys know she couldnt make it but she didnt get a hold of him.I told he that he was prob at the trailor with the boys.Since mom doesnt have the # to the traiolr she couldnt call them and tell the kids she couldnt come.
Over all I had a good day.No tears,lots of smiles!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sobeys meeting
When I got off work at the hospital at 3 today I went to cas to see if the papers were ready for me. The lady at the window said there was nothing there for me and another women went to tell amy i was there.Amy came down and asked me to come in a room.She asked my if i spoke to anyone the other day?I told her i didnt, she then asked me if i was seeing the boys and i told her i wasent there to talk. I told he was there to get the papers i requested.She told me she didnt know what i ment.(Grrrrrrrr)She said that she didnt get any papers from me.I explained i droped them off last tuesday.She told me there were a pile on her desk and she must not have gotton to them yet. I told her i wasent upset with her personally but It is my right to have a copy of all information cas has pertaining to my kids.I told her all it takes is to look in my file, find sept 2009, load the copier and hit copy! She told me she would have to speek to her superviser and it would take time. I told her it shouldnt because the judge put in the order so theres no question,I am intitled.She questioned why my lawyer wasent getting them.I told her "It is my right and I want them" she asked Whats ur number we can reach you at? I told her "the same number u have had on file for the past 3 years! "there are procedured I need to follow" I told her "well its because of this agencies procedures that kids fall through the cracks" I turned and left.
I stopped for gas when i left then went to sobeys on the west side. As I got out i seen mathews car and seen Dustan in the front seat.I went to the bank and tried to hold in my emotions.I could feel the tears welling up. I left the bank and went to the car.Him and kory both locked their doors. I asked "were u in school? ( it was only 3:05 and thats exactly when school gets out. Neithor one answered.Both were avoiding eye contact and were actually smirking and giggling. I went to walk away and seen that mathews window was open so i went up and asked again why they wernt in school?Kory was scartisticly laughing.I told him " i really dont see whats funny" He pointed to the radio ( they were listing to howard stern and matews searious radio...nice)
Dustan looked at me and said "i cant wait till court your going to get a rude awaking,just wait and see!" I could hear mathew comming right out of his mouth.I said "really,why?" He told me "youll see what the syckristic tells u!" I had to change the subject back.
I asked Dustan "i thought u told nanny kean u were geting the bus to school? He wouldnt answer. I looked at them both and said.This is rong guys,I just want to be ur mom,i miss.Dustan was rolling his eyes and i said I just want to be there like i always was.Dustan said "you wernt here for the lsat 3 years and we are fine with out you" I told him I have wanted to i have tried but you wont give me a chance unless you father says its ok. Dustan told me "u just wanted dad for his money cause now you have nanny kean and joel paying your way" I asked him "who am i speaking to??" I looked at Kory and he was gigling under his breath.I looked at them and said "I look after me! and i did since the day I left" Dustan told me "nanny said she paid ur rent" I told him "the only time she gave me money was when she was living with me,we shared the bills" I was feeling like I was argueing with mathew..2 of him.
I told the 2 of them I want nothing more than to have the chance to finish being ur mom. I raised u both because I wanted to..kory interupted me saying"u never raised us!"
Just then Mathew came out and seen me,he had a calm,sneeky,milishious look on his face.I asked if they were in school? he ignored me, smirking all the time.I asked again,still no answer.Then he told me calmly "were done with you" I told him he was mean,low,selfish and a few more choice words.He said "go be with ur looser were done with you" I told him ANY man is better than you. Ur a lowlife.
I walked into sobeys lost in my thoughts and needed to get myself together.I could feel the tears comming again.I made it out and sat in the car and cried. I came home and laied on the couch and cried more.Mom called at 4:48.I told he what happened.I went and washed up and went to the mill.
I stopped for gas when i left then went to sobeys on the west side. As I got out i seen mathews car and seen Dustan in the front seat.I went to the bank and tried to hold in my emotions.I could feel the tears welling up. I left the bank and went to the car.Him and kory both locked their doors. I asked "were u in school? ( it was only 3:05 and thats exactly when school gets out. Neithor one answered.Both were avoiding eye contact and were actually smirking and giggling. I went to walk away and seen that mathews window was open so i went up and asked again why they wernt in school?Kory was scartisticly laughing.I told him " i really dont see whats funny" He pointed to the radio ( they were listing to howard stern and matews searious radio...nice)
Dustan looked at me and said "i cant wait till court your going to get a rude awaking,just wait and see!" I could hear mathew comming right out of his mouth.I said "really,why?" He told me "youll see what the syckristic tells u!" I had to change the subject back.
I asked Dustan "i thought u told nanny kean u were geting the bus to school? He wouldnt answer. I looked at them both and said.This is rong guys,I just want to be ur mom,i miss.Dustan was rolling his eyes and i said I just want to be there like i always was.Dustan said "you wernt here for the lsat 3 years and we are fine with out you" I told him I have wanted to i have tried but you wont give me a chance unless you father says its ok. Dustan told me "u just wanted dad for his money cause now you have nanny kean and joel paying your way" I asked him "who am i speaking to??" I looked at Kory and he was gigling under his breath.I looked at them and said "I look after me! and i did since the day I left" Dustan told me "nanny said she paid ur rent" I told him "the only time she gave me money was when she was living with me,we shared the bills" I was feeling like I was argueing with mathew..2 of him.
I told the 2 of them I want nothing more than to have the chance to finish being ur mom. I raised u both because I wanted to..kory interupted me saying"u never raised us!"
Just then Mathew came out and seen me,he had a calm,sneeky,milishious look on his face.I asked if they were in school? he ignored me, smirking all the time.I asked again,still no answer.Then he told me calmly "were done with you" I told him he was mean,low,selfish and a few more choice words.He said "go be with ur looser were done with you" I told him ANY man is better than you. Ur a lowlife.
I walked into sobeys lost in my thoughts and needed to get myself together.I could feel the tears comming again.I made it out and sat in the car and cried. I came home and laied on the couch and cried more.Mom called at 4:48.I told he what happened.I went and washed up and went to the mill.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It just keeps going!
I just tried to call the boys,its been a few nights since i called to say good night.But tonight when i did the operator came on and said the number was disconected. Real nice when there are two kids home all night alone.One with a full leg cast on.God help him if anything happens and they need to call for help!! I called nan to get her to try and call to see if she gets the same thing and she said she tried to call yesterday to see how Dustan was and she got the same thing.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
...continue
Mathew told dust he would take the car around for him.Mom,Dust and I waited .I tried to talk to dustan but he was keeping up the tough guy sho. I told Him " I will not see joel anymore if u will give me a chance" He told me "how would i know?" I told him we would have to figureit out but I also wasent going to go back to his dad.I told him I would do it for him and Kory,only him and kory.Just then mathew pulled up out front.
Dustan went out to get into the car and mathew started telling me he was going to CAS then the cops.I told him To go ahead. I alos told him "make sure he gets to school!!" Dustan gave me the finger and mathew told me to "go to hell".
Mom and I said good bye and i thanked her for getting him there.
I decided to go and see if he went to CAS and he did.Dustan was in the car and he was inside. I went in too and stood against the wall,out of his view. Harvie battes seen us and waived.I kept a stern face.Bonnie mullens was there too and gave me a smile,She didnt recieve one in return.Kirston schoust was there too. I began to think 'what am i doing here'.
In the room right behind me was a little boy who was crying and saying "i dont want to talk,keave me alone", my heart began to sink.I herd him say " I guess were going to be up for adoption now" He couldnt have been more than ten if that. That was the last straw!
I walked over to mathew and said."before u decide to involve this pathedic organisation again,listen to what that poor little boy is going through! Dont do that to our boys again just so u can get away with what u have done!! After i told him that I left. Looked at dust as i left and mouthed "i love you"
I drove to legal aid and got in to see kathy.I told her of the days events and got copies of the court order stating I was legally intitled to any and all information theat CAS has on the boys.I took them back to cas and left them for Amy Southerland with a message telling her i wanted a copy of them all fron sept 2009 untill present and i would be back on friday to pick them up.Mathew was not there when i returned.
I went to work soon after i got home and e-mailed val rule before i went to bed because she is suposto see mathew and the boys soon.I want to meet with her again because its been since dec since we talked and there has been alot that has gone on since then.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I wish today would have been better.I really feel bad for Dust.Another 5 weeks with the cast.Im sooo pissed Mathew is being....mathew!! I told him I would drive dust and pick him up from school if i wasent working but he wont even let me do that.
He sooo wants to make sure hes in the 80's club when he leaves W.P.I hope this doesnt hinder that.I hope Mathew gets him to school.
I feel like me life for the past 18 years have been largely Hopes and wishes.Something need to happen!
Dustan went out to get into the car and mathew started telling me he was going to CAS then the cops.I told him To go ahead. I alos told him "make sure he gets to school!!" Dustan gave me the finger and mathew told me to "go to hell".
Mom and I said good bye and i thanked her for getting him there.
I decided to go and see if he went to CAS and he did.Dustan was in the car and he was inside. I went in too and stood against the wall,out of his view. Harvie battes seen us and waived.I kept a stern face.Bonnie mullens was there too and gave me a smile,She didnt recieve one in return.Kirston schoust was there too. I began to think 'what am i doing here'.
In the room right behind me was a little boy who was crying and saying "i dont want to talk,keave me alone", my heart began to sink.I herd him say " I guess were going to be up for adoption now" He couldnt have been more than ten if that. That was the last straw!
I walked over to mathew and said."before u decide to involve this pathedic organisation again,listen to what that poor little boy is going through! Dont do that to our boys again just so u can get away with what u have done!! After i told him that I left. Looked at dust as i left and mouthed "i love you"
I drove to legal aid and got in to see kathy.I told her of the days events and got copies of the court order stating I was legally intitled to any and all information theat CAS has on the boys.I took them back to cas and left them for Amy Southerland with a message telling her i wanted a copy of them all fron sept 2009 untill present and i would be back on friday to pick them up.Mathew was not there when i returned.
I went to work soon after i got home and e-mailed val rule before i went to bed because she is suposto see mathew and the boys soon.I want to meet with her again because its been since dec since we talked and there has been alot that has gone on since then.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I wish today would have been better.I really feel bad for Dust.Another 5 weeks with the cast.Im sooo pissed Mathew is being....mathew!! I told him I would drive dust and pick him up from school if i wasent working but he wont even let me do that.
He sooo wants to make sure hes in the 80's club when he leaves W.P.I hope this doesnt hinder that.I hope Mathew gets him to school.
I feel like me life for the past 18 years have been largely Hopes and wishes.Something need to happen!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
April 20,2010
Today was not a suprise but another dissapointment for my kids for sure! Dustan had a scedualed appt at 10am to see the ortho Doctor.I went to the traiolr on Fri and told Mathew about it,and he bitched about him having to sleep and he couldnt do Day time appoints.I told him I could take him to it but when he flipped on me on sat he told me "not to worrie,Ill take care of it..we were fine without u for 3 years, well be fine now"
First thing tis morning (9:30am)I called the traiolr.No answer.At 10:30 my mind got the better of me and I drove in to the hos to see if his car was there.It wasent.I drove to the trailor to see what happened.I seen him walking from the bathroom in the front window and knocked,with no answer.I knocked 2 more times then went in.He (mathew) was laying on the couch, I asked "what happened at the appt? No answer.I asked again...he told me "u gave up all right 3 years ago.I asked again.He told me he was going to see CAS and I said" why because u need someone to help u get away with what ur doing?" I again asked "what happened at the appt? Did u go?" He wouldnt answer me with a straight answer so I left.
I went home and checked the phone and there was a message from the ortho clinic telling me Dustan wasent there but if he came b4 3pm they could see him. I called jane to try and calm myself down. We decided If i went to school and tried to get him to go if my mom toook him,that would be the best thing.
I went to the school at 12:50 and spoke to the principal and he told me Dustan wasent there.He told me about mathew going to see him the day b4 to see if there was transportation to get him to and from school.I informed Mr Boutlier that his fathew was capiable od doing that for him.But told him he felt his sleep was more important I also told him about Mathew not getting him to his appointment.He expressed dissaprovial but unfortunatialy he cant do much.At least the school is aware.
I went out to my car and called my Mother.Its now 12:30. I explained what was going on to her and she agreed to try and go take him to the appt.I told her I called and they said if he got there b4 3pm he would be seen.They said they really thought he sould come in because if he didnt he couldnt bee seen until next tuesday.I told Mom I would meet them at the hos.I went into the hos.
Mom called me at 1:13pm from a pay phone at the store down the road from the trailor telling me she went to the trailor and Dustan said mathew took him to the appt.He told her he was sleepy but he went.He wouldnt go with her.I told her he was lieing and the clinic said he wasent there.I asked her to try again and that I was going to talk to them myself.She said she would.
I went to see the nurse and explained what was going on and she confirmed dustan was not there for his appt.I told he my mom was trying to get him in to see them and told her If they come they should be here soon.She was very good and told me to let her know what was going on.
I waited looking out the window until at 1:46 i saw mom drive up to the hos...without Dust.She said he wouldnt come if I was going to be here. Just then Mathew drove up and let Dustan out of the car and went to park it. I waited and when he came in they ignored me and asked the comissionar where the phisio was.Shows how much he knew! I told him he was going to the wrong place He needed to go to the 4th floor to see the Ortho Dr.He followed, with much hesation. I had to go back down to pre regester Dustan with central bookin then took the paper work up to the clinic.
We go into see the Dr very quick.They called Dustans name,I falowed..mathew legged behind us. The Dr asked if we knew he was suposto be there at 10 and I spoke up "Yes they knew" Mathew pipped up and said "we didnt come because we knew she would be here" (he looked like an ass!)
The Dr told us Dustan needed to be in a new cast for another 5 weeks. Dustan started complaining it was taking too long and I reminded him " if ur dad took u at 10 this morning when he was suposto u would have been in and out" "just be gald they made time to see you" Neither Dustan or Mathew said a word. Then Dust said "wonder what they would do If i just got up and walked out??" I said " probably take u right into surgery Dustan..enough!"
The man came in and put Dustans new cast on (asking one of us to help, I hesateted because I was sure dustan would object to me helping with Mathew right there..but he didnt volientare,and in sure the dr senced it so he said "dad can u help?" Mathew did. He told him " im sure u wont miss the next app because it will be to get it off!. He gave me the papers to take to central booking.
As we were leaving I gave the papers to mathew and told him "u can make the appt. I still went with him. When we giot ther the lady asked "when is bes for the appt?" I told mathew " ask for the latest appt!" He did.May 25 at 3:20.
First thing tis morning (9:30am)I called the traiolr.No answer.At 10:30 my mind got the better of me and I drove in to the hos to see if his car was there.It wasent.I drove to the trailor to see what happened.I seen him walking from the bathroom in the front window and knocked,with no answer.I knocked 2 more times then went in.He (mathew) was laying on the couch, I asked "what happened at the appt? No answer.I asked again...he told me "u gave up all right 3 years ago.I asked again.He told me he was going to see CAS and I said" why because u need someone to help u get away with what ur doing?" I again asked "what happened at the appt? Did u go?" He wouldnt answer me with a straight answer so I left.
I went home and checked the phone and there was a message from the ortho clinic telling me Dustan wasent there but if he came b4 3pm they could see him. I called jane to try and calm myself down. We decided If i went to school and tried to get him to go if my mom toook him,that would be the best thing.
I went to the school at 12:50 and spoke to the principal and he told me Dustan wasent there.He told me about mathew going to see him the day b4 to see if there was transportation to get him to and from school.I informed Mr Boutlier that his fathew was capiable od doing that for him.But told him he felt his sleep was more important I also told him about Mathew not getting him to his appointment.He expressed dissaprovial but unfortunatialy he cant do much.At least the school is aware.
I went out to my car and called my Mother.Its now 12:30. I explained what was going on to her and she agreed to try and go take him to the appt.I told her I called and they said if he got there b4 3pm he would be seen.They said they really thought he sould come in because if he didnt he couldnt bee seen until next tuesday.I told Mom I would meet them at the hos.I went into the hos.
Mom called me at 1:13pm from a pay phone at the store down the road from the trailor telling me she went to the trailor and Dustan said mathew took him to the appt.He told her he was sleepy but he went.He wouldnt go with her.I told her he was lieing and the clinic said he wasent there.I asked her to try again and that I was going to talk to them myself.She said she would.
I went to see the nurse and explained what was going on and she confirmed dustan was not there for his appt.I told he my mom was trying to get him in to see them and told her If they come they should be here soon.She was very good and told me to let her know what was going on.
I waited looking out the window until at 1:46 i saw mom drive up to the hos...without Dust.She said he wouldnt come if I was going to be here. Just then Mathew drove up and let Dustan out of the car and went to park it. I waited and when he came in they ignored me and asked the comissionar where the phisio was.Shows how much he knew! I told him he was going to the wrong place He needed to go to the 4th floor to see the Ortho Dr.He followed, with much hesation. I had to go back down to pre regester Dustan with central bookin then took the paper work up to the clinic.
We go into see the Dr very quick.They called Dustans name,I falowed..mathew legged behind us. The Dr asked if we knew he was suposto be there at 10 and I spoke up "Yes they knew" Mathew pipped up and said "we didnt come because we knew she would be here" (he looked like an ass!)
The Dr told us Dustan needed to be in a new cast for another 5 weeks. Dustan started complaining it was taking too long and I reminded him " if ur dad took u at 10 this morning when he was suposto u would have been in and out" "just be gald they made time to see you" Neither Dustan or Mathew said a word. Then Dust said "wonder what they would do If i just got up and walked out??" I said " probably take u right into surgery Dustan..enough!"
The man came in and put Dustans new cast on (asking one of us to help, I hesateted because I was sure dustan would object to me helping with Mathew right there..but he didnt volientare,and in sure the dr senced it so he said "dad can u help?" Mathew did. He told him " im sure u wont miss the next app because it will be to get it off!. He gave me the papers to take to central booking.
As we were leaving I gave the papers to mathew and told him "u can make the appt. I still went with him. When we giot ther the lady asked "when is bes for the appt?" I told mathew " ask for the latest appt!" He did.May 25 at 3:20.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Bubble Birst!
Well it lasted longer tha I thought.I had 3 days with my boys..........
Mom called me today to seeif I wanted to go out to the trailor because she hadent seen Dustan since wed whaen he hurt his leg.I thought it would be a good idea if i went with her because then i could leave with her. I told her I was going to go to town and get him some pants because his jeand were too tight to get over his cast.We met at the mall and went out to the traiolr.
Mathew was in the car when we got there. The kids were in the house (Jade and Dust, Kory was gone to a friend Birthday party). Mom and I went in and were in the living room visiting. Mom wanted to get him something in town and asked me if he would like a pillow.I told her he had actually mentioned that the other day.So she decided to get him one. We gave him his pants a pillow, and sat and talked with him for about a half hour. As we were talking Jade asked mathew " what was with u last night?" He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. She said "U woke up yelling and cursing at like 1:30,what was that all about??" He told he "I must have been having a nightmare" "ide say so!!" she said ( I was not so impressed because last night he messaged me on MSN and simply said "where are you?" I answered "in town" he then messaged "where?" I answered "crystals...Why? whats wrong?" I was truthfully at Joels but didnt think it was any of his business. He wouldnt answer me back so I got scared he would come looking for my car.I moved it up the hill just in case. I called shirlie to see if his car was home and she told me "it just left" Sure enough at about 2:00am he came roaring in the traiolr court, by joels place. I was scared to death that he was now going to see if my car was at crystals so i ran to my car and went home.I dont want him to smash anything else in rage.I have been home since then.)
Anyway,getting back to the visit on sat with mom...As mom and I were leaving he waited until mom was ahead of me then he said " This is your golden oppertunity,dont fuck it up!" I should have kept going like I didnt hear him but I didnt.I turned and looked at him and said " What does that really mean?" He told me " If we find out ur with him this is over!" He stuch his head in the trailor and said "u tell he Dustan!" I Told him "U dont have any right to tell me what I can do,im not your property! Im just here for my kids" He started in on his "how could u do what u did,he was like my brother!" I had enough...I told him " Wait a min , You DO have a brother!! When is the last time u seen or talked to him?????" I wanted to make a point of that.He got mad and told me to get the fuck out and that they were fine with out me. I told him " no you not, The kids live in squaller,this place is a pig pen,They are here every nigth alone,raisin themselves ,falling asleep in school,eating junk...NO they are NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!" At this point he grabbed my by the arm and drug me to the door and told me to get out and never come back or he would call the cops.
Mom had no clue of what just happened .I had the bag of pants in my hand because mathew threw them at me b4 he pushed me to the door telling me to take them they didnt need them. I put them in the front seat of his car b4 mom and I left.
Mom took me back to my car and I got out and went home. It was about 4pm when i got back home.At 6:30 the phone rang,it was mathew.I answered and as soon as i did he hung up.I know the only reason he called was to see if i went home or not.
I want to pull my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was suposto take dustan to his appt on tues morn (the one mathew bitched would cut into his sleep time) I just hope he takes him to it,or at the very least resceduales it for later in the afternoon.
Mom called me today to seeif I wanted to go out to the trailor because she hadent seen Dustan since wed whaen he hurt his leg.I thought it would be a good idea if i went with her because then i could leave with her. I told her I was going to go to town and get him some pants because his jeand were too tight to get over his cast.We met at the mall and went out to the traiolr.
Mathew was in the car when we got there. The kids were in the house (Jade and Dust, Kory was gone to a friend Birthday party). Mom and I went in and were in the living room visiting. Mom wanted to get him something in town and asked me if he would like a pillow.I told her he had actually mentioned that the other day.So she decided to get him one. We gave him his pants a pillow, and sat and talked with him for about a half hour. As we were talking Jade asked mathew " what was with u last night?" He looked at her with a puzzled look on his face. She said "U woke up yelling and cursing at like 1:30,what was that all about??" He told he "I must have been having a nightmare" "ide say so!!" she said ( I was not so impressed because last night he messaged me on MSN and simply said "where are you?" I answered "in town" he then messaged "where?" I answered "crystals...Why? whats wrong?" I was truthfully at Joels but didnt think it was any of his business. He wouldnt answer me back so I got scared he would come looking for my car.I moved it up the hill just in case. I called shirlie to see if his car was home and she told me "it just left" Sure enough at about 2:00am he came roaring in the traiolr court, by joels place. I was scared to death that he was now going to see if my car was at crystals so i ran to my car and went home.I dont want him to smash anything else in rage.I have been home since then.)
Anyway,getting back to the visit on sat with mom...As mom and I were leaving he waited until mom was ahead of me then he said " This is your golden oppertunity,dont fuck it up!" I should have kept going like I didnt hear him but I didnt.I turned and looked at him and said " What does that really mean?" He told me " If we find out ur with him this is over!" He stuch his head in the trailor and said "u tell he Dustan!" I Told him "U dont have any right to tell me what I can do,im not your property! Im just here for my kids" He started in on his "how could u do what u did,he was like my brother!" I had enough...I told him " Wait a min , You DO have a brother!! When is the last time u seen or talked to him?????" I wanted to make a point of that.He got mad and told me to get the fuck out and that they were fine with out me. I told him " no you not, The kids live in squaller,this place is a pig pen,They are here every nigth alone,raisin themselves ,falling asleep in school,eating junk...NO they are NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!" At this point he grabbed my by the arm and drug me to the door and told me to get out and never come back or he would call the cops.
Mom had no clue of what just happened .I had the bag of pants in my hand because mathew threw them at me b4 he pushed me to the door telling me to take them they didnt need them. I put them in the front seat of his car b4 mom and I left.
Mom took me back to my car and I got out and went home. It was about 4pm when i got back home.At 6:30 the phone rang,it was mathew.I answered and as soon as i did he hung up.I know the only reason he called was to see if i went home or not.
I want to pull my hair out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I was suposto take dustan to his appt on tues morn (the one mathew bitched would cut into his sleep time) I just hope he takes him to it,or at the very least resceduales it for later in the afternoon.
Friday, April 16, 2010
All is still good...
Well its been 2 days since Dustans accident at school,and hes doing ok.His knee is still hurting him a bit and hes having a hard time getting around.I went out to the trailor yesterday after work,to tell mathew about 2 calls for appointment i recieved. He got kinda huffy when i told him one was at 10 in the morning. H said "I cant do day time appointments!! I need to sleep" I was pissed at his reaction,but not one bit suprised.I didnt let on to him this and instead I see it as a positive for me and the kids.I told him "well i can take him" I have a feeling I will be taking him to all his phisio appts too when they start.( YEA!!!!!)
I stayed at the traiolr for a few hours on thurs,and stayed for supper (burgers on the BBQ,thought saying no thanks may have pissed mathew off)
Kory asked mathew if he could take him to the dance at 7pm. I think Kory seen me there as a way of getting a drive home because he knows mathew wouldnt be home to pick him up. Thats exactly what mathew told him too. I spoke up immeadiatly saying I would pick him up.He agreeded.( funny that all the other times i offered to do the same he always declined the offer..but now that DAD says its ok ,he takes the offer,not hard to figure that one out!)
I went the mill at 5:30 from the trailor so I would be done by the time to pick up Kory from the dance. On the way home he asked me for lip chap and i gave him myne.( Ill pick him up some tomorrow and take it out to him) He said he had a good time and thanked me for gettimg him.
When we got back to the trailor Mathew was gone to work and Broady and Dust were there watching a movie.Dustan said he was hungry when we got there so i heated up the left over burgers for them then soon left(hating the fact they were there alone till morning!! Grrrr) I had to get myself to sleep,work at the hospt at 7am.
I worked 7-3 todat at the hospt and met Dustan and mathew there for his appt for the CT scan.Dust was really shakie on the crutches.Really the first time he has had a chance to use them with out worring about the obsticals at the trailor.He was wearing the pants i bought for him yesterday when they got there.( I need to go find a few more for him that will fit over his cast,jeans wont fit over it).
The scan was quick and the tech said the results would be sent to the doctor for Tues morning.
Mathew pulled the car aroung because Dustan said his arms were sore and he didnt think he could make it to the car. I waited with him, he got himself into the car and i put his cruches in the back seat and told them i would talk to them soon.
They left,I did too.
I stayed at the traiolr for a few hours on thurs,and stayed for supper (burgers on the BBQ,thought saying no thanks may have pissed mathew off)
Kory asked mathew if he could take him to the dance at 7pm. I think Kory seen me there as a way of getting a drive home because he knows mathew wouldnt be home to pick him up. Thats exactly what mathew told him too. I spoke up immeadiatly saying I would pick him up.He agreeded.( funny that all the other times i offered to do the same he always declined the offer..but now that DAD says its ok ,he takes the offer,not hard to figure that one out!)
I went the mill at 5:30 from the trailor so I would be done by the time to pick up Kory from the dance. On the way home he asked me for lip chap and i gave him myne.( Ill pick him up some tomorrow and take it out to him) He said he had a good time and thanked me for gettimg him.
When we got back to the trailor Mathew was gone to work and Broady and Dust were there watching a movie.Dustan said he was hungry when we got there so i heated up the left over burgers for them then soon left(hating the fact they were there alone till morning!! Grrrr) I had to get myself to sleep,work at the hospt at 7am.
I worked 7-3 todat at the hospt and met Dustan and mathew there for his appt for the CT scan.Dust was really shakie on the crutches.Really the first time he has had a chance to use them with out worring about the obsticals at the trailor.He was wearing the pants i bought for him yesterday when they got there.( I need to go find a few more for him that will fit over his cast,jeans wont fit over it).
The scan was quick and the tech said the results would be sent to the doctor for Tues morning.
Mathew pulled the car aroung because Dustan said his arms were sore and he didnt think he could make it to the car. I waited with him, he got himself into the car and i put his cruches in the back seat and told them i would talk to them soon.
They left,I did too.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Day with Dust...at the ER
Spent the day with Dustan...at the ER. Mom called me at 2:30 and told me that the school called her and told her that Dustan hurt his leg at school and they were sending him to the Hos in an ambulance.My heart sank to my stomach!
When I got there he had just arrived.Mom and I went in to be with him.At first he didnt want me there but I told him "Dustan,its ok.Dont worrie" He was in alot of pain..and his knee was badly deformed.The doctor came in and told us it was dislocated but they were going to do an x ray to make sure there wasent any other problems.
He was wheeled to x-ray then back into ER. He asked me to hold his foot for him because he said he felt like it was slipping and he was scared of it movin because of the pain.I sat holding his foot with one had and rubbin his other leg with my other hand.I felt sooooo bad because he was in so much pain,but knew that he couldnt have any more meds because they were soon going to have to put him under so they could put his knee back into place.
At 3:15 Dr Sutton came back in and explained to Dustan and I what they were going to do.He would be put under sudation so they could set his knee back into place...Dustan was asking "can u do it now!!!" He was in soooooo much pain!
It was quick,and painless for Dust, thank god! It went back in place easy and fast!
Dust was groggy and sleepy for a bit afterwords...but came out of the sudation good.
Mom was standing next to Dust with her hand in her pocket, and Dustan herd change jiggling ...He was still under the effects of the drugs ,but when he herd the change he said " Do u have enough for Subway??"
At that point I knew he would be OK.
At 4:15 I said to Dust,Your Dad must be at work because Kory would be home from school now. Not 10 mins after I said that Mathew and kory walked in. I was glad he came. I know Dustan was too. Dr Sutton came back in and wanted Dust to go back to X-ray just to make sure that everything was back in the proper place. They said one of us could go with him.I told mathew to go with him this time.He did.
When he came back Dustan was so dry and wanted water, I asked if he was allowed to eat now and he was. I went to the Kitchen and asked Bessy if I could get 2 tubs of ice cream. I got them and went back and gave one to Dust and one to Kory.
Dr Sutton called me into see the X-ray, I called for Mathew to come in too. He showed us the b4 and after...good to go!
Dustan was given crutches,and a crash corse on them,then he was released.
Mathew said he had to go to work at 8,and i asked what they would have for supper.Dust said "ill make something" I told him "meet me at subway"
I and Mom met them at subway,Kory mom and I went in and ordered. We took it out to them and Mathew said " If u want to stop over later to check on him you can" I agreed..and they left.
I thanked Mom,and she went home.
I went to sobeys to get food for George,and when in the parking lot i decided to eat mu sub but realised i had Dustans so i went out to the trailor to trade with dust.
When i got there they wernt there yet but Brody was there on his bike waiting to see how Dust was.
They soon got there and we all went in.Broady decided to spend the night( im glad) and Mathew left for work at 7:15. I stayed till 8 then i had to go to work myself.I told Dustan to call me if he needed anything.He agreed.B4 I left Kory and Broady signed his cast,so did I.I wrote "purple boogers" Dust looked at it and smiled. (Its our code words for I Love You)
Before I left he said "Thanks for holding my foot mom" I told him "your welcome bud,I love you"
I stopped back over after i finished work at 11pm. I looked in the kitchen window and all was quiet.Bedroom doors were shut.My boys were in bed.
When I got there he had just arrived.Mom and I went in to be with him.At first he didnt want me there but I told him "Dustan,its ok.Dont worrie" He was in alot of pain..and his knee was badly deformed.The doctor came in and told us it was dislocated but they were going to do an x ray to make sure there wasent any other problems.
He was wheeled to x-ray then back into ER. He asked me to hold his foot for him because he said he felt like it was slipping and he was scared of it movin because of the pain.I sat holding his foot with one had and rubbin his other leg with my other hand.I felt sooooo bad because he was in so much pain,but knew that he couldnt have any more meds because they were soon going to have to put him under so they could put his knee back into place.
At 3:15 Dr Sutton came back in and explained to Dustan and I what they were going to do.He would be put under sudation so they could set his knee back into place...Dustan was asking "can u do it now!!!" He was in soooooo much pain!
It was quick,and painless for Dust, thank god! It went back in place easy and fast!
Dust was groggy and sleepy for a bit afterwords...but came out of the sudation good.
Mom was standing next to Dust with her hand in her pocket, and Dustan herd change jiggling ...He was still under the effects of the drugs ,but when he herd the change he said " Do u have enough for Subway??"
At that point I knew he would be OK.
At 4:15 I said to Dust,Your Dad must be at work because Kory would be home from school now. Not 10 mins after I said that Mathew and kory walked in. I was glad he came. I know Dustan was too. Dr Sutton came back in and wanted Dust to go back to X-ray just to make sure that everything was back in the proper place. They said one of us could go with him.I told mathew to go with him this time.He did.
When he came back Dustan was so dry and wanted water, I asked if he was allowed to eat now and he was. I went to the Kitchen and asked Bessy if I could get 2 tubs of ice cream. I got them and went back and gave one to Dust and one to Kory.
Dr Sutton called me into see the X-ray, I called for Mathew to come in too. He showed us the b4 and after...good to go!
Dustan was given crutches,and a crash corse on them,then he was released.
Mathew said he had to go to work at 8,and i asked what they would have for supper.Dust said "ill make something" I told him "meet me at subway"
I and Mom met them at subway,Kory mom and I went in and ordered. We took it out to them and Mathew said " If u want to stop over later to check on him you can" I agreed..and they left.
I thanked Mom,and she went home.
I went to sobeys to get food for George,and when in the parking lot i decided to eat mu sub but realised i had Dustans so i went out to the trailor to trade with dust.
When i got there they wernt there yet but Brody was there on his bike waiting to see how Dust was.
They soon got there and we all went in.Broady decided to spend the night( im glad) and Mathew left for work at 7:15. I stayed till 8 then i had to go to work myself.I told Dustan to call me if he needed anything.He agreed.B4 I left Kory and Broady signed his cast,so did I.I wrote "purple boogers" Dust looked at it and smiled. (Its our code words for I Love You)
Before I left he said "Thanks for holding my foot mom" I told him "your welcome bud,I love you"
I stopped back over after i finished work at 11pm. I looked in the kitchen window and all was quiet.Bedroom doors were shut.My boys were in bed.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My Moms Easter visit with the Boys
Mom (AKA Nanny Kean) went out to see the boys on sunday,after she went to church. When she got there Mathew wasent home but the kids were there. Broady and Jade were there too (surprised Jade was still there since it was Easter morning,but mabie Rhonda has gotton more slack as Jade gets older).
Mom went in and asked the kids if they were ready, Dust asked if Broady could go too.Mom told him she only had $40 dollars but Broady said he had money to help if needed. Mom agreed.She said as they were walking out Jade asked if it was ok for her to go too.Mom said yes,but I dont have alot of money with me. She too said she has some money.(I just gave her $10 for easter and the kids gave her the card for march break I gave her that had $20 in it.
Mom told me of their conversation on the way in town. Broady asked Dust " I bet ur mom got u thoese sneakers for easter??" He answered "yes" Mom said Jade said "U dont mind taking what she gives you!" Dustan told broady "Mom was over yesterday for like 3 hours and it was good but then she blew it! We saw her in town with Joel on our way to get groceries"
Mom spoke up and asked.. " But was it nice when she was there??" Dusatn answered "Yes" I asked mom if Kory said anything and she said he was quiet.
She said they had a good Supper at Swiss Challet,except for the bill being $95. Thank god for Broady!!! Mom ows him $15 lol.
She said both boys had on their new sneakers and new shirts I gave them. I have to try and figure this out.I know they miss me,god im dying without them.Im just so scared to replay the past.I am so scared to go back and have to leave again .I am terrified to put them through more pain.I wish I could have the chance to talk to both of them one on one,to see how they feel,truly feel,and let them know how I feel too.
Mom went in and asked the kids if they were ready, Dust asked if Broady could go too.Mom told him she only had $40 dollars but Broady said he had money to help if needed. Mom agreed.She said as they were walking out Jade asked if it was ok for her to go too.Mom said yes,but I dont have alot of money with me. She too said she has some money.(I just gave her $10 for easter and the kids gave her the card for march break I gave her that had $20 in it.
Mom told me of their conversation on the way in town. Broady asked Dust " I bet ur mom got u thoese sneakers for easter??" He answered "yes" Mom said Jade said "U dont mind taking what she gives you!" Dustan told broady "Mom was over yesterday for like 3 hours and it was good but then she blew it! We saw her in town with Joel on our way to get groceries"
Mom spoke up and asked.. " But was it nice when she was there??" Dusatn answered "Yes" I asked mom if Kory said anything and she said he was quiet.
She said they had a good Supper at Swiss Challet,except for the bill being $95. Thank god for Broady!!! Mom ows him $15 lol.
She said both boys had on their new sneakers and new shirts I gave them. I have to try and figure this out.I know they miss me,god im dying without them.Im just so scared to replay the past.I am so scared to go back and have to leave again .I am terrified to put them through more pain.I wish I could have the chance to talk to both of them one on one,to see how they feel,truly feel,and let them know how I feel too.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Why is it that something good only lasts for a little??
Today I went out to see the kids.Mathew knew I was coming,i spoke to him on m.s.n last night and asked if it was ok to come out.He said yes.So I did.
Before i went I made choch chip pancakes for them. I dont think they knew I was coming, I did ask him not to tell them. When I got there Dusatn and Jade were in the livinroom, Kory was in his room on the game.Mathew answered the door and I went in and seen Dust first.I asked " did u eat?" NO he said. I told him "i have pancakes, want some?" He tried not to smile, but he did and came to the kitchen and made up a plate. Mathew told Kory to come get some,Kory didnt believe him there was pancakes saying " u never make pancakes!!" lol....we all had a laugh!!
After Dust ate I went out to the car and took in the Easter baskets I brought out for them. Jade and Dust were in th living room and opened them. I told Kory to "come out, ur missin all the fun!" He came out and opened his too.I put the sneaker spray and deoideriser in their baskets. Dustan commented on the spray, asking "whats this for??" Kory said " do u think My feet small???" ( I hadent taken in their new sneakers at this point so they were a little baffled why they has foot spray in their baskets!! hahaha"
I got up from the chair and said "oh ya...just a min!" then went out to the car and brought their new sneakers in. ( plannin it all along!! heheheeh)
Dustan said "I just got new sneakers with Nanny Kean?" I told him I knew he did,but i coulndnt get new ones for Kory and not him. He smiled! They tried them on and they fit! Perfect!! :)
I told Jade "thats why I got u flip-flops! She smiled.
We were out on the deck for most of my visit,chattin about school, memories, school more memories and whatever else came up.Dustan went and got a shower to try his new body wash and calone i got him.He put on his new shirt too.But didnt want to put on his new shoes yet.Kory came out of his room and sprayed his sneakers and so did jade and Dust. Jade went in the bathroom and put on the new shirt i gave her for easter. :)!!!
I went into Korys room and spent some time with him.He was playing the game. We taked about school.I told hin i went to see his teachers on parent teacher and how they were proud of him.I asked about the artist coming to the school and he told me he was excited about him coming.
Around 3:30 I had to leave (cramps from aunt flow were gettin the better of me and no midol in my purse) Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in such a happy place (and could tell the kids were too) it was a struggle to have to go.:(
B4 I left Dustan wanted to know if i seen his new T.V (I did when i was sittin with Kory but went with him anyway) He took me in the room and showed me. I was impressed! I asked if he bought a monster cable for it? He said "yes" I told him it was really nice.
I told them I loved them,and I was soo happy to see them. They smiled with agreeance.and thanked me for everything. I sadly walked down the steps and got in my car and drove off.
As i drove the pain from the cramps was takin full effect.Adrelin must have been overdrive because as soon as i leat they hit full forse.I barley got to joels without passing out from the pain of them. I took 3 midol and curled up in the fetal position waiting for them to kick in.
I passed out from the pain or the pills, which ever it was it was a blessing. I awoke to Joel coming home at 5:40.
It was so nice that we decided to go for a drive.I couldnt stop talking about my day.I was on cloud nine! He was so hapy for me.I was happy for the kids.
While in town I herd Joel say "Oh,no,baby,he just drove by!!" " and hes turning around!" Bubble Burst!!!!!
We tried to turn but it was too late. Mathew,Dustan and Jade seen us and Mathew was going to make sure The kids seen! He (mathew) pulled in front of Joel and I so Dustan seen us.Dustan gave me the finger. Wish I could have herd what mathew was was saying...but I had a pretty good idea.
All I can think now is that the beautiful day I had with them is no more.
I left Joels,scared if mathew came lookin for me it would be better if I was at my place instead of Joels. I know Joel feels bad,I do too.My poor kids. A real man would have driven bye and let my kids have the memorie of the day we had together continue.Insted he had to share his disaprovable of me and someone other than him with the kids.
I cant win,neither can they when hes stearing the ship.
Its been 3 years now.....god this will never end!!
Before i went I made choch chip pancakes for them. I dont think they knew I was coming, I did ask him not to tell them. When I got there Dusatn and Jade were in the livinroom, Kory was in his room on the game.Mathew answered the door and I went in and seen Dust first.I asked " did u eat?" NO he said. I told him "i have pancakes, want some?" He tried not to smile, but he did and came to the kitchen and made up a plate. Mathew told Kory to come get some,Kory didnt believe him there was pancakes saying " u never make pancakes!!" lol....we all had a laugh!!
After Dust ate I went out to the car and took in the Easter baskets I brought out for them. Jade and Dust were in th living room and opened them. I told Kory to "come out, ur missin all the fun!" He came out and opened his too.I put the sneaker spray and deoideriser in their baskets. Dustan commented on the spray, asking "whats this for??" Kory said " do u think My feet small???" ( I hadent taken in their new sneakers at this point so they were a little baffled why they has foot spray in their baskets!! hahaha"
I got up from the chair and said "oh ya...just a min!" then went out to the car and brought their new sneakers in. ( plannin it all along!! heheheeh)
Dustan said "I just got new sneakers with Nanny Kean?" I told him I knew he did,but i coulndnt get new ones for Kory and not him. He smiled! They tried them on and they fit! Perfect!! :)
I told Jade "thats why I got u flip-flops! She smiled.
We were out on the deck for most of my visit,chattin about school, memories, school more memories and whatever else came up.Dustan went and got a shower to try his new body wash and calone i got him.He put on his new shirt too.But didnt want to put on his new shoes yet.Kory came out of his room and sprayed his sneakers and so did jade and Dust. Jade went in the bathroom and put on the new shirt i gave her for easter. :)!!!
I went into Korys room and spent some time with him.He was playing the game. We taked about school.I told hin i went to see his teachers on parent teacher and how they were proud of him.I asked about the artist coming to the school and he told me he was excited about him coming.
Around 3:30 I had to leave (cramps from aunt flow were gettin the better of me and no midol in my purse) Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in such a happy place (and could tell the kids were too) it was a struggle to have to go.:(
B4 I left Dustan wanted to know if i seen his new T.V (I did when i was sittin with Kory but went with him anyway) He took me in the room and showed me. I was impressed! I asked if he bought a monster cable for it? He said "yes" I told him it was really nice.
I told them I loved them,and I was soo happy to see them. They smiled with agreeance.and thanked me for everything. I sadly walked down the steps and got in my car and drove off.
As i drove the pain from the cramps was takin full effect.Adrelin must have been overdrive because as soon as i leat they hit full forse.I barley got to joels without passing out from the pain of them. I took 3 midol and curled up in the fetal position waiting for them to kick in.
I passed out from the pain or the pills, which ever it was it was a blessing. I awoke to Joel coming home at 5:40.
It was so nice that we decided to go for a drive.I couldnt stop talking about my day.I was on cloud nine! He was so hapy for me.I was happy for the kids.
While in town I herd Joel say "Oh,no,baby,he just drove by!!" " and hes turning around!" Bubble Burst!!!!!
We tried to turn but it was too late. Mathew,Dustan and Jade seen us and Mathew was going to make sure The kids seen! He (mathew) pulled in front of Joel and I so Dustan seen us.Dustan gave me the finger. Wish I could have herd what mathew was was saying...but I had a pretty good idea.
All I can think now is that the beautiful day I had with them is no more.
I left Joels,scared if mathew came lookin for me it would be better if I was at my place instead of Joels. I know Joel feels bad,I do too.My poor kids. A real man would have driven bye and let my kids have the memorie of the day we had together continue.Insted he had to share his disaprovable of me and someone other than him with the kids.
I cant win,neither can they when hes stearing the ship.
Its been 3 years now.....god this will never end!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Time goes by too fast
This month will be a year since I have had eather of my children with me.Mabie that milestone has something to do with how I have been feeling, mabie its just that Im miserable without them ,period!
Usually for Easter we go to a big family dinner,last year was the first year i went alone, and it was hell to try and keep the fake smile on my face being there without eather of my boys,everyone commented on how helpfull i was in the kitchen...really I was just there because with my back turned to everyone.. doing dishes.... no one could see my tears of emptyness.
This year (thankfully) there are no planned festivities. I have bought gifts for both Dustan and Kory and for Jade,and am planning on going out to try and see them on sunday and deliver them to them in person (lets hope it goes as good as it did at christmas).I hope it does,i need to at least see them.I feel like im going crazy without them ,little by little.
Usually for Easter we go to a big family dinner,last year was the first year i went alone, and it was hell to try and keep the fake smile on my face being there without eather of my boys,everyone commented on how helpfull i was in the kitchen...really I was just there because with my back turned to everyone.. doing dishes.... no one could see my tears of emptyness.
This year (thankfully) there are no planned festivities. I have bought gifts for both Dustan and Kory and for Jade,and am planning on going out to try and see them on sunday and deliver them to them in person (lets hope it goes as good as it did at christmas).I hope it does,i need to at least see them.I feel like im going crazy without them ,little by little.
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